Because you can never go back
by SugarButterFlour1904
Summary: Just a little one-shot snapshot into Donna's brain during the scene with Rachel in 1x12.


**Hey guys! Sorry I haven't posted in a while; this has been in my head for about 3 months but I've had to type it up in chunks and then edit it etc. Anyway I hope you enjoy this little snapshot into Donna's head during the scene between Donna & Rachel in 1x12.**

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They were having drinks in Harvey's office - of course. He'd taken Mike off to a poker game, so Rachel & Donna had seized the opportunity Harvey's empty office had provided. However, inevitably the topic of her boss had come up.

"You _really_ know him," Rachel said, looking surprised at the seemingly infinite depth of Donna's knowledge. Donna smirked at how simply Rachel had summed up 12 years of lunch dates and evening drinks and cracked cases and explosive arguments. "I _really_ do," she replied, taking a big gulp of scotch before setting her glass down on Harvey's desk. She could easily anticipate the next question her best friend was going to ask and was steeling herself to put on her well-rehearsed performance.

Rachel began strutting towards her with a mischievous grin on her face.

"No," Donna declared, trying to stop the conversation before it got out of hand and the forbidden box of memories tucked away in the corner of her mind burst open.

"Never?" Rachel sashayed closer, her grin becoming wider and wider.

"No!" Donna wanted to beg Rachel to stop, the memories of that night imminently threatening to consume her mind.

"Ever?" Rachel perched on the edge of the desk, a teasing smile on her face.

"No." Donna almost gasped out as the memories flooded her mind - Harvey's hold on her too strong to ignore - the forbidden memories swamped her mind; Stolen glances. Dilated pupils. Desire-filled touches. Heavy breathing. The recollections filled Donna's brain and the verboten love that she tried so desperately to ignore every second of the day threatened to consume her, so much so that she almost missed Rachel's last question.

"Why not?" Rachel asked, gazing at her expectantly, the smirk on her face telling Donna everything she needed to know. A million answers filled her mind but she panickedly wracked her brain for an answer that wouldn't clue in her friend to the fact that she was hopelessly in love with her boss. After what felt like forever but in reality was only a few seconds, Donna settled on the brutally honest truth. "Because you can never you back."

Donna gave Rachel a small smile, praying it disguised the sadness in her eyes and that Rachel would drop the conversation which she did as Donna excused herself to go and collect herself in the bathroom.

As the evening went on, Donna tried desperately to steer the conversation away from Harvey. But, though the conversation changed, Donna's focus didn't. Of course, it wasn't helping that they were sitting in the very office of the man she was trying to forget. He was everywhere in here, from the basketballs they had won together, to the records they had listened to, holding the very scotch glasses she and Rachel had in their hands.

"DONNA!" Rachel's voice shook her from her thoughts. She shook her head, clearing her mind of all things Harvey.

"Sorry Rach, I just got a bit lost in thought there," she offered up a small smile.

"Wel, I was just saying, I think it's time to go home, we do actually have to come to work tomorrow and, even though Mike and Harvey think they can waltz in at any time they feel like, the rest of us have to actually arrive at a reasonable time," Rachel finished jokingly, a smirk gracing her features.

Donna smiled at her friend, hoping she wouldn't see the effect that Harvey's name was having on her. "You go ahead, I'll clear this up and then follow you, see you tomorrow." Donna didn't give her friend a choice as she took her glass, handed her her coat and almost ushered her out the door. Rachel shrugged, accepting her coat off Donna and replied simply, "sure, see you tomorrow," and strolled off towards the elevators.

Donna busied herself clearing away the glasses until she heard the familiar 'ding' of the elevator at which point she sank down onto the love of her life's sofa and sobbed.

She sobbed for the years she had lost and the powerful feelings she spent her days trying to rid herself of and the memories she kept tucked away. She sobbed for the smell of cologne that filled the office and the fact that every morning a different woman woke up in Harvey Specter's bed and it wasn't her;. She mourned the flirtation she shut down and the banter that was never more than that.

Slowly but surely, she realised, her heart was breaking more and more, every one of his girlfriends another crack and every failed attempt at a relationship with a man that wasn't Harvey Specter.

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**Ta-da! I hope you enjoyed this - please give it a review if you did 3**

**-A xx**


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